Progress
Seven and a half years ago was really the first time I left home. Driving out East to college, we had to stop even before we left Illinois so I could throw up in a gas station bathroom. I was a wreck; nervous, hesitant, sad, anxious, unsure.
Junior year spring semester I didn't fare much better as I packed up to go to Egypt for a semester abroad. My college boyfriend was going to be in Central America and I just couldn't imagine being at Yale without him. So I went to Cairo. But the two weeks leading up to that departure, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying. Of course, there was the added drama of a boy, but it was also about leaving and going into the unknown. My mom would play a "Worse Case Scenario" game, imagining ridiculous things that always made me laugh and left me feeling a little bit better. First couple of weeks, I was sure it was the worst decision of my life--now I'm sure it was one of the best.
The first month of my senior year, my emotional and mental anxieties once again manifested themselves physically and I could hardly eat; it was a burpy, gastrological time of my life, brought out no doubt by the uncertainty of the future. Life After College. Now that's over, I'm repeately faced with Life After...Life? Always seems like I'm coming or going, but I'm much better at it now.
Returning to Egypt was easier. Been there, done that. Knew Amber would be there to back me up. I can't remember my departure to Malaysia, but I don't think it was too traumatic (though Christmas away WAS rough). A year ago last Feb, I was headed off to Ghana. I didn't know anyone there and didn't have a paying job. But I went and now I'm going again. It's no longer a big question mark: job, friends, apartment--Check. Already beginning to daydream about the next destination.
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying, I know the routine. 'Round about Wednesday, I couldn't really eat my breakfast. Thursday night I didn't sleep so well. Tonight, again, I found it difficult to eat and could cry at the drop of a hat. (I was also really cold, but I think that's just the weather and my weakened tropical constitution.) The rest is part of the process I've come to recognize. I'm focused on the leaving and that's tough, but I'll make it through it.
Though I'm off into the known this time, there's a slight hiccup--the stop in Cairo. Prince Charming may be waiting for me there, but I'll be leaving after only 8 days. 8 days of fantasy, not real life. It will be a wonderful and awful trip.
As I approach this Unknown, this adventure, I am trying to keep in mind the compliment that a friend gave me in college; she told me that she thought I was brave because I'm not afraid to feel my feelings. I didn't think of it as being true then, but since August, I've been trying to live like it is. It wasn't an easy decision to go out on a limb, to "go see about a boy." But then again, it wouldn't have been easy to just walk away and close that book so prematurely; there would have always been a question mark left behind. Once I made my decision about going to visit him, I felt courageous, daring, romantic. That's the person I want to be. (I love that line in "Love Actually" when the little boy says, "Let's go get our asses kicked by love.")
I've never felt life was a "choose your own adventure" book as much as I do now. Only no re-dos and I can't control other people's words or choices. Only my own. Honesty and clarity (and a few magical moments) is what I hope for. Insha'allah.
Junior year spring semester I didn't fare much better as I packed up to go to Egypt for a semester abroad. My college boyfriend was going to be in Central America and I just couldn't imagine being at Yale without him. So I went to Cairo. But the two weeks leading up to that departure, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying. Of course, there was the added drama of a boy, but it was also about leaving and going into the unknown. My mom would play a "Worse Case Scenario" game, imagining ridiculous things that always made me laugh and left me feeling a little bit better. First couple of weeks, I was sure it was the worst decision of my life--now I'm sure it was one of the best.
The first month of my senior year, my emotional and mental anxieties once again manifested themselves physically and I could hardly eat; it was a burpy, gastrological time of my life, brought out no doubt by the uncertainty of the future. Life After College. Now that's over, I'm repeately faced with Life After...Life? Always seems like I'm coming or going, but I'm much better at it now.
Returning to Egypt was easier. Been there, done that. Knew Amber would be there to back me up. I can't remember my departure to Malaysia, but I don't think it was too traumatic (though Christmas away WAS rough). A year ago last Feb, I was headed off to Ghana. I didn't know anyone there and didn't have a paying job. But I went and now I'm going again. It's no longer a big question mark: job, friends, apartment--Check. Already beginning to daydream about the next destination.
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying, I know the routine. 'Round about Wednesday, I couldn't really eat my breakfast. Thursday night I didn't sleep so well. Tonight, again, I found it difficult to eat and could cry at the drop of a hat. (I was also really cold, but I think that's just the weather and my weakened tropical constitution.) The rest is part of the process I've come to recognize. I'm focused on the leaving and that's tough, but I'll make it through it.
Though I'm off into the known this time, there's a slight hiccup--the stop in Cairo. Prince Charming may be waiting for me there, but I'll be leaving after only 8 days. 8 days of fantasy, not real life. It will be a wonderful and awful trip.
As I approach this Unknown, this adventure, I am trying to keep in mind the compliment that a friend gave me in college; she told me that she thought I was brave because I'm not afraid to feel my feelings. I didn't think of it as being true then, but since August, I've been trying to live like it is. It wasn't an easy decision to go out on a limb, to "go see about a boy." But then again, it wouldn't have been easy to just walk away and close that book so prematurely; there would have always been a question mark left behind. Once I made my decision about going to visit him, I felt courageous, daring, romantic. That's the person I want to be. (I love that line in "Love Actually" when the little boy says, "Let's go get our asses kicked by love.")
I've never felt life was a "choose your own adventure" book as much as I do now. Only no re-dos and I can't control other people's words or choices. Only my own. Honesty and clarity (and a few magical moments) is what I hope for. Insha'allah.
posted by Jill at 4:45 AM
3 Comments:
We were so happy to see you over the holidays. I always feel better when I can see and talk to you myself vs only reading your blog, it must be that oldest grandchild/sister syndrome coming out in me - can't help it!
We took the tree & decorations down today, sort of sad, yet feels lighter! I bought some exercise equip, new years resolution number something or another! Now if I can make myself stay true to using it, instead of using it as a clothes rack or dust bunny corral... !
take care-
Hey – it really was great seeing you in IC, even if it was only a brief coffee meeting at Panera ~~
I was thinking how your life is like a adventurous novel – I wonder what our heroine will do next…
I forgot to mention that I used to put so much pressure on myself that I would routinely throw up before debate tournaments in high school. I was so good at it that my coach thought I was bulimic.
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